The 5 Love Languages almost ruined my Marriage

I know what you’re probably thinking. 

First off let me say that I think the premise of the book “The 5 love languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman was written with good intention, but after trial and error I’ve realized it wasn’t the best thing for MY marriage.

Let me explain.

I remember reading the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman a few years ago. I wasn’t even dating my now husband at the time, but like any “wife in training”, I was trying to prepare for my future relationship.

One of the books that was always highly recommended was the Five love languages. 

To sum up the basis of what the 5 love languages is about, it’s basically about how everyone loves or receives love in 5 primary ways:

• Physical Touch
• Gifts
• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service

They’re pretty self explanatory but if you want more information, a quick google search will help.

So, after reading this book and taking an online quiz to confirm, my primary love languages were physical touch and words of affirmation.

This made sense because I’ve always appreciated physical touch and words of affirmation and it was correct in that it was the primary way I showed love. 

“So then, what’s the problem? Why was it so bad??”. I hear you asking already.

See, the issue with the five love languages is that a majority of couples don’t have the same “love language”. 

For the man, his top love language may be acts of service ( which is very common) however for the woman, her love language may be physical touch and maybe quality time(also very common).

What ends up happening is one partner may be expecting the other to love them in their “language” and when the other doesn’t, it can start to cause a lot of disappointment. 

Then the frustrations grow

“ Ughhhh! Why can’t he just be all touchy feely with me like I want him to be?!!” you may say. 

This can QUICKLY escalate to becoming an issue because that man may feel like he’s loving you the best way he knows how. 

Which was the case in my marriage.

 I’ll never forget this one time.

In May 2020, I was pregnant with our first child. What many didn’t know, unless I shared it, was that I actually graduated with my masters around that first week of May. 

Due to the pandemic, they cancelled our graduation ceremony and held it online. I wasn’t really trippin because I was 40 plus weeks at that point(literally) and was ready to pop. I wasn’t tryna travel and walk no way. 

However, my husband hadn’t really said too much about it. I took his silence as lack of care and began to grow pretty upset during the days leading up.

LIke did he not care about my accomplishment??

Around that time, I became pretty snappy with him because I felt like he hadn’t said much and I didn’t understand why.

Little did I know.

I’ll never forget that Sunday. It was actually Mothers day as well and my husband woke me up and told me to come into the living room.

I walked into the living room and began to hear the graduation song playing.You know the one they play at college graduations. I looked around and the entire living room was decorated with balloons, streamers and a “ Congrats Grad 2020” sign with a gift waiting on the couch.

Ya’ll.

I boo hoo cried. Like snot running down my nose cried.

I was soooo surprised.

I’m also a sucker for good surprises so for me to not have known he did all of that was even more touching.  

At that moment, I realized that my husband shows me love perfectly.

He may not say many words all the time,

But he’s incredibly thoughtful.

In the middle of the night, he’ll go get me food(my actual love language lol).

He’s always surprising me with stuff, like the time he surprised me with a new radio for my car. For no special occasion, mind you.

Or always asking me if I’m okay and ready to help me in whatever way.

He’s always thinking about me and THAT is what love is truly about. Considering the other person.

Love is not self serving.

Yea, it may not be totally in the way that you think it should be, but if you remove all of the preconceived notions about how you think they should love you, I think you’ll realize you have a pretty special love with that person.

So, maybe he didn’t buy you that Louis bag you’ve been eyeing, but he rubs your feet when you told him that you had a long day.

Or maybe he doesn’t rub your feet but he chooses to spend time with you on the couch even after a stressful day of work.

He brings home your favorite ice cream when he’s thinking about you.

Or he sends you “just thinking about you babe” texts throughout the day.

Whatever it is that he does to show you his love no matter how “small”, APPRECIATE it.

Don’t start being critical, demanding that he loves you in your “language”.

Today, I want you to make Appreciation your love language.

Appreciation causes love to grow even more.

Now please listen, there is nothing wrong with wanting to love your partner in a certain way. I think the 5 love languages can be used as suggestions. My point is to not make it a law.

Embrace your spouse for who they are.

The one you chose to love.

Because if not, you just may ruin a really good thing. 

Until next time ( and I promise next time won’t be too long. Thanks for bearing with me)

Much love,

Anita B.