Sis, you NEED boundaries + here’s how to set them

One of the most important things I want to teach Sade’ (our daughter) as she gets older is the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries.

However, I know that will only come if I first
model what that even looks like.

There’s all this talk about the importance of setting boundaries in terms of
mental health but how exactly do you do that??

Especially as a mom?

Okay first, what are Boundaries?

Boundaries tie into self-care (I blogged about it here) because they are for
YOURSELF.

Let me give you a visual using an analogy because I find them helpful.

Close your eyes and picture this with me.

I want you to picture your dream house. Dream big if you’d like.

The yard, number of rooms, the Jacuzzi (okay, maybe that’s just in my dream house),
whatever J.

Now, boundaries are like a gate or a fence.

Anyone that steps on your yard/property without your permission, is actually
trespassing which is illegal.

They have crossed the boundary (see where I’m going?)

Boundaries help protect you from your personal lines being crossed.

Why are boundaries important?

You need boundaries because they teach others what is and isn’t acceptable
for you. They are also a form of self-care because you are able to decide what it is
that you need.

They can serve as an inner compass to help you decide when something or
someone isn’t right for you. If you don’t set boundaries in your own life, you will run yourself into the ground mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Yes, it CAN be a health crisis if you don’t understand the importance.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t until I started therapy that I realized that I
wasn’t maintaining my boundaries.

I would let others say things to me and bottle my anger because I wanted to
“keep the peace”.

Meanwhile, all hell was trying not to break loose inside of me.

It would get to the point where I would get sooo fed up, that I would SNAP.

Mind you, I’m not one to get upset much. So, when I do, I’m probably VERY
upset.

My therapist had to break it all the way down for me.

“You’re trying to keep the peace with everyone else meanwhile you’re feeling
disrespected, unloved, and just plain tired”.

My lack of boundaries wasn’t doing anyone any good.

So, the first boundary I set?

I made sure I prioritized my self-care.

I had to carve out a few hours for Me time and I didn’t allow anything to
come in between that time unless it was crucial.

Next, I had to make a conscious decision to not give my energy to those who
weren’t respecting my opinions, my decisions, and my feelings.

This was a hard one because I don’t like making the people I’m close with upset,
however, I needed to understand that everyone wasn’t going to like every
decision I made, and that’s okay.

And sis, It’s okay for you too.

Do not feel the need to over explain your decisions.

This is often rooted in people pleasing and we don’t want that sis.

How to set boundaries 

1. First, you need to decide where you need to place boundaries.

Where are you feeling the most out of control or “burnout” from?

Write down a list.

Most times, we have trouble setting boundaries within our relationships, so that’s what I’ll be focusing on here.

Relationships

– spouse

– children

– friends

– family

2. Next, determine what it is that you would like to change

Ex: I don’t like when my friend makes plans for us without asking me what I think first

It can be as simple as telling your children to not open the door, when you’re using the restroom.

Or maybe a family member is talking to you a little too crazy and it doesn’t make you feel respected.

I want you to spend some time on this part. If you forget some it’s okay, it can be revised at any time. 

1. Verbalize how things make you feel instead of bottling them in

I know how easy it is to stuff emotions when you’re a mom because “everyone else comes first”.

But no. Your feelings matter too.

Speak up and let others know when something is bothering you or when you’re
feeling stressed.

It’s okay to speak up to the people around you.

They can not read your mind. 

3. Enforce. Those. Boundaries (insert hand claps between each word)

What’s the point of having boundaries if you’re not even going to use them?

Let people know Up FRONT what you will and will not accept so that there’s
no surprise.

And when those boundaries are getting crossed, let them know too.

Do not make the mistake I made by trying to play respectability politics.

Now, I’m not saying for you to be abrasive.

We stay sweet while not being a doormat over here, okay lovely?

Use your sweet but firm tone and let it be known that your boundary has been crossed.

What should I do if someone keeps crossing my boundary?

Great question.

If you’ve made it very clear what your boundary is and a person is still not
respecting it then you need to either:

A. Make sure the boundary has been understood

Sometimes we think we’ve communicated something clearly and we really haven’t. 

B. Create distance between you and that person

Let me add that when you first start enforcing boundaries, you may receive
some push back from the people you know and love.

It’s not necessarily that they want to disrespect you, more so than that they’re just not use to this “new you”.

They’re probably not use to you speaking up and making your feelings and
opinions known.

That’s okay though.

In time, they will get used to it and they will adjust accordingly.

If you need to create some physical or mental space between them that’s okay. 

This is more for adults. Children are still learning and trying to understand so please be patient while also modeling being gracious 

Your assignment:

So, starting today, I want you to not only create boundaries but I want you to honor those boundaries.

Can you promise me that you’ll hold yourself to honoring yourself?

Share and let me know if you’ve ever struggled in this area.

Much love,

Anita B.